Entry 14

I feel as if I stepped through a worm-hole of some sort... that time travel does indeed exist. Jon and I went back home for my mother's funeral (how odd it feels to say that) and not only saw Sue, the librarian from my past, but saw my sister Becki. I am overwhelmed by how she looks... she is the spitting image of my mother right down to the beaten slump of her shoulders. I was not surprised by her response to me, it has been so long, but I was surprised by the announcement she had about my past.

And so now, even though we know it will be difficult, Becki and I have decided to try to be friends. Being sisters means that deep down we have love for one another, but I'm not sure we know each other well enough as adults to actually say we like or dislike each other. I've told her to call me collect and I will call her in the evenings, mostly after dinner, to make sure she is alone (although her kids will be running around, I'm sure).

Seeing Becki and hearing how her life has been, both before and since I left, has been quite a shock. I'm not sure I have had the chance to really absorb that I went there to bury my mother. When I saw her in the casket, I wasn't sure what to feel... I felt so removed from her that it was almost difficult to recognize that she was my mother. But indeed, it was my mother laid out in that plain coffin and deep in my heart I realize that she is gone and I will never be able to make things right for her. At some point I know it will hit me, but as of yet I still feel numb.

Again I cannot say how amazing it is to have Jonathan by my side. Not only does he show his love for me in the way he supports me, but I feel that he is bringing me into a family (small as it may be) that I never had. Even though I'm working on my relationship with Becki, and hopefully with her children, I know that I will always have Jon. I trust this man with my life.

Samantha