Entry 13

I barely have time to consider my options, to make any decisions, and then she's gone. On one hand, I feel badly that I couldn't give her the forgiveness she was searching for. On the other hand, I feel numb, removed, because this was the woman who turned me out when I was still a child.

Jonathan has suggested we go to the funeral... that maybe I will find some closure from it. I'm afraid to go not just because this person being buried is my mother, but because of those who remain behind. Do I have the courage to see him? Do I have the courage to face my sister, whom my mother evidently loved more because she threw me away and kept Becki in her life? I'm torn! I don't know how to make this decision. I have made so many decisions on my own in my life, why can't I make this one?

Jon and I talked for a very long time about this. He's made all the arrangements and taken care of everything. We're going, just for the day, and will return home. I can't imagine doing this alone and I'm so glad that I have this amazing man at my side.

Samantha